We’ve all heard this funny before. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. I guess my kids have it right about me!
I bring this up, because one of my emotional meltdowns has been brewing for the last few weeks. Spurred on by a hot flashing induced lack of sleep, it boiled over last night after an evening with friends. I’m not even sure what triggered the deep desire to cry… at everything… over nothing…. There has been an underlying current of deep sadness/grief in my heart for many years now. I am beginning to see that I am a broken person. I have lived with past rejection driving me to perfectionism, which overwhelms me emotionally, always waiting for the rejection shoe to drop. That is so unfair to my husband, as it keeps me from true, trusting relationship with the man who has never rejected me. Sorrow from three miscarriages, chronic illness in the family, carrying burdens that are not mine to carry.
Well, I am done with the insanity! In the past, I have sucked it up and stuffed the tears. I am tired of crying, so I just won’t. This never really works though, as it always seems to show up again. Last night our friends shared the name of a ministry that helped her work through past life traumas. I filed it away in the memory folder of my mind, which I can’t always remember where I placed. After a long, tearful talk, my honey asked me if I would want to go through the biblical study/counseling our friend had gone through. After doing some research this morning, I have decided to do that. No more insanity. If I want to be free from the emotional pain, I MUST deal with it differently. Do I want to experience the pain. No. But I probably will have to walk through it, to get through it.
This is my year to let Yahweh God heal me emotionally and physically. Yea, I said let. I think I have shut him out too, for fear of being rejected, when, once again, he has shown me his incredible love for me, not only in forgiving my sins through Yeshua’s death, but in a hundred little gestures every day. My trying to avoid the issues of my heart have kept him from being able to set me free from them.
NO MORE! I am ready for that abundant life, and I am am going to let him in to EVERY area of my heart, not just certain ones.
Here’s to hope….