Uncensored thoughts…

Warning: this has been a hard week for me, and my human-ness is showing today. I am not going to be politically correct or sensitive with what I write. These are raw emotions. Beware.

I hate that my daughter and her family live across the planet from us. She is so good at keeping in touch, letting us chat with the grands, sending pictures and videos. It just isn’t the same as in person. I am having a bit of a pity party this week. I am glad they are happy, but jealous of his family getting to go on an apple picking outing with them, getting to watch the kids when she works. Sad our son and his family don’t get to do things together with them and their cousins. Stinky Japan has stolen two members of my family now. My brother first, now my daughter and her family. The situation really is a no win, because if they live there, we lose, if they live here, his family loses, if they live someplace else, everyone loses.

My son ruined me. More truthfully, the book 1984 he recommended I read ruined me. I was only able to read the first several chapters, but I can no longer watch the news, as it has become increasingly obvious to me that it is all propaganda. Words fed to the faces we see to believe what “they”, whoever “they” are want us to believe. I am tired of the conspiracy theories, tired of everyone being so worked up about masks and politics, of the media censorship, tired of the biased reporting. Just tell us what happened, not what you think of it, or worse, how we should think about it.

I am tired of the stress I feel when I go out in public without a mask. I admit, I am not a mask wearer. That shouldn’t be a problem. I would never think of saying anything to people who wear masks about their decision, but some mask wearers (not all) sure will say something to you about not wearing one. The smile of a stranger can make my day if I have been having a hard one. And I want to be that blessing to others also. Please don’t comment about this. For every pro-mask fact based article out there, there is an equal amount of anti-mask fact based articles. I should be allowed to think for myself and make my own decisions, even if they disagree with what “they”, again, whoever they are, want you to believe. Maybe I should become a hermit and never leave my home again.

I am tired of having to be dressed every morning to work in a cold shop, doing construction related stuff, with men other than my husband or son or grandson. I want to dress like a woman again, wear my wedding ring again, clean my own house instead of having someone else do it once a month. Have time to bake bread again.

It grieves me that I am so angry about things right now. That I am complaining, when I woke up today in a warm bed, to a bowl of oatmeal, with a husband who loves me.

Update: the previous thoughts were written two weeks ago, but not published. The evening I wrote them, Yahuwah God convicted me, that I cannot be angry with a country, that I was actually angry with my brother and daughter for leaving me and destroying the expectations/hopes I had had for our relationships. I had been hurt (not their faults, my interpretation of the situations), and gotten angry and needed to forgive. My Heavenly Father says that if I cannot forgive others, he will not forgive me. Matthew 6:15. Many of the women in my family who have gone before me, died with bitter hearts. I have battled bitterness before. I do not want that for myself. I have had to ask my heavenly father’s forgiveness for my anger and bitterness, and repent. Repent means to turn away from what is wrong and towards what is right. Right is letting go of the hurt and anger, and enjoying the relationships I do have with them, even if that looks different from my expectations. If the anger starts to creep in again, I will force it out of my brain with thankfulness, until it can no longer find a home in me. My attitude must be adjusted. I must control my thoughts, not allow them to control me.

I did not “lose” anything. Things just didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to. I am glad my daughter is happy. I am thankful for FaceTime (which didn’t exist when my brother was in Japan for 20 years). I am thankful that our daughter loves us and wants to keep in touch with us. I will pray for God’s best for her family, and I will look forward to the next time we are able to see each other in person and will cherish those moments. I will love my brother, even though I don’t really know him, and be thankful for any visits I may get with him in this lifetime.


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