Freedom…

Good Morning. I need to write this down while it is still fresh in my mind. Last week was a hard week. Nothing awful happened, I just had some life baggage that needed to be dealt with.

A little history: I am a 56 year old woman. I was married at 20, had our first child at 22, the next just after my 25th birthday. We were married for 13 years when I was blindsided by my husband having an affair and wanting a divorce. I knew our marriage wasn’t perfect, but I didn’t know it was that bad. We didn’t talk about our relationship. God brought my current husband into my life a couple days after my ex filed for divorce. Our divorce was uncontested and a month later it was done. One miracle that happened with the divorce was that I never wanted to put my hand to it. It was his decision, not mine. In the state I resided in, if one party does not show up and contest, the judge signs it into action, without me signing it. Not that I don’t acknowledge the legal proceeding, I just didn’t want my approval of the action via signing.

Fast forward: My honey and I will be celebrating our 23rd anniversary in a few months. We recently were having a conversation about some health issues and how we were going to deal with them. My honey was talking about a gal he was seeing for a type of physical therapy, when he made some comments that triggered fears from my pst marriage. I held it together, calmly finishing the conversation. But when I headed to bed, the tears began, the fears flooded my brain, my thoughts spiraled out of control to dark places of doubt, planning for a future without him, wondering what I do to make the men in my life desperate enough to have affairs. No, my husband was not having an affair. I knew that rationally, but fear is a powerful force.

It took a few hours to finally drop off. Because of the stress, I arose super early. I really didn’t want to talk to my honey, and I knew he would want to if he saw my “puffy, I’ve been crying” face. So, I took off before he woke up to deal with myself, to pray and figure things out. I headed down to our local lake and sat in the parking lot. As it began to rain, I closed my eyes to listen to the soothing sound, only to have it disrupted by the sound of seagulls next to my car.

I opened my eyes to see what the ruckus was about. Seems that two males were arguing over a female. I began to think about something I had been reading about animals, fight or flight, and stress. And as I sat there, I feel like God’s Holy Spirit spoke to me. Here’s what I heard. Animals have to deal with frequent fight or flight in life and death situations. You are not in a life or death situation. You are in an unpleasant moment. Life is just a series of moments. Some pleasant, some not so much, some hard, some easy, some victorious mountaintop experiences, some are darkest valleys of death. But no matter, life is just a series of moments.

My tears stopped, my fears fled, and I felt peace flood my soul. I knew I would live through this. The worst that could happen is my fears are confirmed, he leaves me and I continue living. I have been through that valley before and came out stronger on the other side. I felt like I could actually talk to him rationally about our decisions, some red flags I had about one protocol, without any emotion getting in the way. And not because I had stuffed my emotions, or emotionally severed the tie with him (which is what my fears kept telling me to do). It was because if there was anything inappropriate happening with him and his therapist, that was his baggage to deal with, not mine.

I went on with my day, and was actually looking forward to watching a big basketball game with my honey that night. We had a fun night and I thoroughly enjoyed my time with him. The next morning, we talked. I shared my “triggers” with him and how I responded, and my day. I wasn’t afraid of what his response might be. I knew it would just be a moment. One of many. He began to apologize for what he’d said, and I was able to lovingly say, “You have nothing to apologize for. This was MY problem, my baggage that needed to be unpacked and put away, hopefully never to come back out again.

After our conversation, which went surprisingly well (stupid fear!) we both went about our days. I wasn’t stressed, I was at peace. Still am a week later. Although, at least to my brain, the phrase “Life is just a series of moments,” doesn’t seem very spiritual, I truly believe it came from God, the one in the Bible. His words always bring peace. Even the hard words that convict me that I am the one in the wrong. And I am a better person for listening and doing whatever he says.

That phrase brought freedom to my soul and broke the chains of fear, doubt and self condemnation. That’s what Jesus/Yeshua preached. Relationship with the creator of all things. Relationship that cuts through all the crap we accumulate in our hearts because of living our own way, and brings freedom, when we listen, hear and obey. In the Bible, there is a verse in the book of John, chapter 8, verse 36. If the son shall set you free, you shall be free indeed. I was enslaved to my fears, to my past, to my triggers, to the enemy of my soul. I am no longer a slave to them, to Satan. I have been set free by my Creator. I belong to him now. He is my Father now. I pray that if you have not experienced this type of freedom, that you will stop, and ask him to speak to you, to set you free. Then, choose to follow the one who set you free. Read his written love letter to you, the Bible. May today, have a victorious, mountaintop moment for you!

Freedom…

Here I am, sitting still while my toes nail polish dries. I only use polish when I have a special occasion to attend. This weekend we have a neice getting married. Most of the family will be there. Sadly, one family is angry with a couple siblings, and probably won’t come so as not to bump into them. Another will be there, but holds a grudge against a couple. Another will be there and is bitter about the whole debacle that set these things in motion.

Family gatherings are awkward with this side. I pray that there can be forgiveness for perceived wrongs and restoration of relationships, but to date, that has not happened. And so we gather. If the conversation comes up, my honey and I try to steer people towards forgiving, letting go of bitterness, resentment and anger.

During my divorce, many years ago, I prayed, and asked God to show me what part I had played in my husband’s discontent and subsequent affair. I don’t remember how the answer came, but the prayer was answered immediately. God reminded me of a humiliating incident that happened during the early years of our marriage. It was completely unintentional, and I responded improperly. I won’t go into details. But I remembered thinking to myself that I would never let him do that to me again, whereas I should have shared my emotions with him and dealt with it immediately. I had hardened my heart towards my husband and was harboring unforgiveness. I repented, asking God to cleanse my heart of the hardness. After, I went to my husband and confessed my sin to him and asked him to forgive me. He flew off the handle, saying I wasn’t to blame, this was all him, and more. My apology was not received. I chose to forgive him for the perceived humiliation, which he never intended, and I was at peace, knowing that I had done the right thing.

Sometime in the past year, I clicked on a Facebook video someone posted. There was a gentleman talking about forgiving. He stated that forgiveness is not for the benefit of the other person, it is for our freedom. He illustrated this by holding a one liter soda bottle in his hand with his arm outstretched. He said that in the beginning, that wrong that we hold onto isn’t a big deal, not very heavy. But hold it long enough, and it becomes a burden, wearying the arm muscles, until cramping begins and eventually it will involuntarily drop from ones grasp. Kinda like those endurance challenges on the reality show Survivor. In order US to be free, WE must let go of the wrongs others may perpetrate against us.

We also need to realize that the person who wronged us may be holding sorrow or guilt in their hearts about the wrong, but is paralyzed or doesn’t know they should ask for forgiveness. Who knows, if our asking for forgiveness for the way we responded to the wrong, may set someone else free to ask forgives for the wrong they perpetrated.

Today, set your heart free by choosing to forgive, even if forgiveness is not asked for. May you come to know the joy of walking in true freedom.

The definition of insanity

We’ve all heard this funny before. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. I guess my kids have it right about me!

I bring this up, because one of my emotional meltdowns has been brewing for the last few weeks. Spurred on by a hot flashing induced lack of sleep, it boiled over last night after an evening with friends. I’m not even sure what triggered the deep desire to cry… at everything… over nothing…. There has been an underlying current of deep sadness/grief in my heart for many years now. I am beginning to see that I am a broken person. I have lived with past rejection driving me to perfectionism, which overwhelms me emotionally, always waiting for the rejection shoe to drop. That is so unfair to my husband, as it keeps me from true, trusting relationship with the man who has never rejected me. Sorrow from three miscarriages, chronic illness in the family, carrying burdens that are not mine to carry.

Well, I am done with the insanity! In the past, I have sucked it up and stuffed the tears. I am tired of crying, so I just won’t. This never really works though, as it always seems to show up again. Last night our friends shared the name of a ministry that helped her work through past life traumas. I filed it away in the memory folder of my mind, which I can’t always remember where I placed. After a long, tearful talk, my honey asked me if I would want to go through the biblical study/counseling our friend had gone through. After doing some research this morning, I have decided to do that. No more insanity. If I want to be free from the emotional pain, I MUST deal with it differently. Do I want to experience the pain. No. But I probably will have to walk through it, to get through it.

This is my year to let Yahweh God heal me emotionally and physically. Yea, I said let. I think I have shut him out too, for fear of being rejected, when, once again, he has shown me his incredible love for me, not only in forgiving my sins through Yeshua’s death, but in a hundred little gestures every day. My trying to avoid the issues of my heart have kept him from being able to set me free from them.

NO MORE! I am ready for that abundant life, and I am am going to let him in to EVERY area of my heart, not just certain ones.

Here’s to hope….