My ordinary day…

I awoke at 5:24, thankful that the cats didn’t wrestle on me, and thankful that I only woke once during the night. I try to get outside to get the newspapers, during the dark winter mornings, before my 88 year old father does, because I worry he might lose his balance on the sloped driveway if he tries to bend over to pick them up. I also bring some warm water out to add to our porch cat’s icy water each morning. Next, I flipped through both papers, mainly reading headlines, only stopping to really read one article and the funny pages. Since I wasn’t hungry yet, I drank a good bit of water and got my go ey’s oatmeal ready for him, then sat at the table organizing my day in my paper Daytimer. Yea, I’m old school.

After putting away the dishes that dried overnight on the counter, I went out to the shop to check on my freeze dryer. All was well and I was able to estimate a time to go back out and process the food. I started checking all the little things off my list, switch the upstairs cat food dispenser with the downstairs one (the cats mainly eat downstairs, but I don’t like it to get too stale upstairs), put some leftovers onto a freeze dryer tray and into the freezer for the next batch, answer a couple texts, make a meal for a friend’s family who just lost her mother and will be arriving home fairly late in the day.

By 11:00am, I was thinking I should get my dad out of the house for a while, so I asked him to come run a few errands with me. We made the 20 minute drive into town, noting that the traffic seemed heavy for a Thursday. First we headed to the local newspaper to drop off a bunch of paper bags for them to reuse. From there we traveled up our downtown’s main street to the leather worker’s shop. As we drove we discussed the three new high rises going in, which we liked the look of, which we didn’t. At the leather store, I dropped off a pair of wool felt Wildling barefoot slippers to be adjusted. Barefoot shoes are a new adventure for me. But, a change had to be made recently due to a plantar fibrin’s that has developed on the bottom of one of my feet. Anyway, apparently I have “low volume” feet, and the slippers can accommodate “high volume” feet. Basically that means they’re too big around the insole and my feet flop around in them. It seems a simple cut and stick can fix the issue, but I don’t have the right oils to do that, thus, taking them to the repair guy. From there, we travelled to the local Dollar Tree so my dad could pick up a sympathy card for his best friend who just lost his wife. We also stopped at the local Costco for gas, where I chose the wrong line to get into. There was a confused older man who couldn’t figure out the cards needed to get things going and struggled with two gas cans. He had been asking various people for help, and finally got things working after walking around to find the attendant. Behind him, was an older woman who didn’t realize she could go around him when she was done to let others gas up. We at waiting for close to 15 minutes. By that time, our tummy’s were getting hungry. Good thing I keep some crackers in the car for these very occasions. We snacked as we made the 20 minute trip home, and commented about how happy we were that the fog had lifted and there was sunshine.

Once home, I grabbed a tuna sandwich and some cold, leftover veggies, then settled in at the kitchen table to write birthday cards to the people in my hubby’s work database. We (I) hand sign and hand write the envelopes for approximately 600 people each year. Today I am writing March birthdays. While I wrote I could hear my hubby and his work partner putting together a new desk for his office. At one point, I took a break to walk around and went out to the shop to grab a nail for hanging a clock, when I heard a strange beeping. My freeze dryer was now telling me there was a “mid batch heater failure”. Add transferring the partially dry food trays back into the freezer so they don’t go bad and troubleshooting the freeze dryer to my list. I went to the manufacturer’s site and found super helpful videos to walk me through troubleshooting. Seems I probably have a bad relay, and the relay board will need to be replaced. I wonder how much that’s going to cost. It’s been a big expenditure couple of weeks. Seems that goes in spurts.

By that time it was getting to be close to four o’clock. Unloaded the casserole I had made in the morning into the car and headed back into town to deliver it. I would have been happy to just drop it off, but the husband wanted to thank us, their preteen daughter wanted to show me their huge cat, and the mom needed to talk about her sadness. We cried together, hugged and talked in the cold. The crying continued as I traveled home alone in the car. Not necessarily for her loss, but sometimes I cry just to clear out stale emotions that have been piling up in my soul. It’s an emotional cleansing of sorts. After pulling into the garage and heading into the house, I quickly checked my work emails, responded to a couple, then closed that app for the night.

It was dinner time when I arrived home. The desk was mostly put together, but still in the living room, my honey and I took one cat out into the back yard for about 10 minutes (it was even too cold for the cat), then I cleaned the packaging from the seal while my honey moved pieces into place I. The office and finished putting it together. Fortunately it was my dad’s night to cook. We ate southwest noodle bowl, then I did chores and wrote this post while the desk drawers were installed. After I finish writing, I plan to finish clearing the last few dishes from the sink, get the coffee maker prepped for the morning, start a batch of cold brew to sit on the counter overnight for me, and get into my jammies. We will watch the one show we have recorded for the night, High Potential, then I will let my honey watch the three news shows he likes, while I do a routine of gentle stretches, scoop the litter boxes, prep breakfasts, maybe read a bit and play with the cats one last time before going to bed.

It was a good day, and I’ll be happy to settle into the crisp, cotton sheets with some heavy blankets for a nice sleep.

I hope that you feel the satisfaction of an ordinary day, well lived at the end of each day.

First Snow…

One of my favorite children’s books is A First Little Golden Book titled “My Little Book of POEMS”. I read it to my children 30+ years ago each night at bedtime. Today, I read it to our grandchildren who come to visit for overnights. I know it by heart, and don’t really need the book in front of me.

One of the poems is titled “First Snow” by Marie Louise Allen, and goes like this:

Snow makes whiteness where it falls. The bushes look like popcorn balls. And places where I always play, Look like somewhere else today.

Each time the snow falls in our neck of the woods, I am reminded of that poem. As I sat in one of our porch chairs, with our porch cat kneading the fleece coat I was wearing, the poem floated through my mind as I watched the huge wet flakes fall to the ground. Today wasn’t our first snow, it was our third, but that doesn’t matter to my mind. Memories of small children cuddled up next to me on the couch with fleece footie jammies, their favorite blankies and a host of stuffed animals fill my mind and bring a smile to my face. I say a prayer for each of them, and sit almost as contented as the cat. My body is warm, my ankles, face and hands can feel the briskness of the air. I thank God for the moment, and I remember an old beer commercial slogan “It doesn’t get any better than this”.

I hope you have an “it doesn’t get any better than this moment” today.

What is your favorite place to go in your city?

There is a knoll in one of our parks that has the park and homes on one side and fields of hay on the other. I enjoy going there for the solitude during the summer. I can hear kids playing behind me, but watch the breeze in the crops in front of me.

When it is gently raining, my covered front porch is my place of refuge. Hearing the rain gurgling in the gutters, gently hitting the leaves of the trees. Watching clouds move over the houses.

When I need time with my creator, uninterrupted, the city beach on the lake. Although there are people there, you feel all alone, as everyone is doing their own thing and not interested in anyone outside of their circle. To just sit and stare at the water with mountains across the way. The background noises of people, cars, boats melt into the distance and I can pray and have a cleansing cry to let out all of the negative that has piled up in my soul.

I hope you have those places of solitude, of refreshing for your soul.

Is there an age or year of your life you would re-live?

I think I would relive my entire life, and not change a thing. The good, the bad and the ugly. The pain and the joy. Each thing that happened shaped me into the person I am today. Each experience taught me something. I love the way my life has turned out, even though it is not perfect, not painless, not even what I expected it to be. It is still… good. Very good.

I was there…

And now you’ve pushed me away.

I was there when your mom left you and your father. You were six, your brother was four. We barely knew each other. But that’s a story for another time.

I was there to wipe away the tears.

I was there to hug you when you were hurting.

I was there to help you understand why your tummy hurt when you thought about what was happening, when you missed your mommy.

I was there to pick you up from your first day of school.

I was there to walk with you in the park after school.

I was there to teach you how to make your own PB&J sandwich.

I was there to help you decorate your room as a 6 year old.

I was there each morning during the summer to pick you up and take you over to my house for fun and Grammi and grandpa time.

Then mom came back into the picture. You stayed with her every other weekend, and certain holidays, but you lived with Dad. Your dad wasn’t in shock anymore, and between them, you were taken care of. I was able to step back into my roll as Grammi.

But… I was still there.

I was there every Wednesday to pick you and your brother up from school and take you to ice cream at Baskin Robbins, and then to the park for some running time.

I was there for the special occasions: birthdays, school events, etc.

Grandpa and I were there to have you two over for sleepover weekends and do fun grandparent activities.

I was there to decorate holiday cookies with you, to take worm walks in the rain, to play at the park in the snow with you.

I was there to listen to you talk about life, about school, about friends, and more. Driving to and from your house was a special time for me to just listen to you talk. And sometimes, I would interject a little teaching blurb.

I was there when you were the flower girl in your Auntie’s wedding, and were dressed in a kimono by four doting aunts and grandmothers who didn’t speak English.

I was there when you started junior high school.

I was there to drive you to youth group when the timing was too hard for your folks schedules.

I was there to be excited with you when you were practicing driving.

I was there when you needed someone to add a modesty panel to a formal gown for a special high school dance.

I was there to travel with you to Japan to visit your Auntie’s family this year, during your junior year spring break.

Grandpa and I, and your great grandpa, were there, when your life took an unexpected turn at the start of your senior year, and you needed someplace to stay for a few days to figure out what happened.

A few days turned into a couple months. You began lying to me, for no reason. You refused to talk about life, only the superficial day to day details of school. You avoided spending time with us, filling your life with as much shopping, coffee dates, and activities as you could. You had pushed your dad away, and now you were pushing me away too.

And then you left. Without telling us. You packed up and left while we were out shopping one night. I felt like the Grinch had come and taken every last crumb of evidence of your existence from my life. And I haven’t heard from you since.

It hurt so badly to be treated that way. It was my turn to cry, to need hugs, to have a hurting tummy. Because you weren’t there.

So, here I am in limbo land. It’s your senior year of high school. It’s supposed to be a time of great joy for parents and grandparents, getting to be a part of so many special events and watching your grandchild move out into the world as an adult. What am I supposed to do? Attend and pretend everything is ok between us? Will you even invite us?

And, even though you don’t seem to care, I am still here. Every day my heart breaks for you, the girl who used to be, but has been buried by some new persona. Our real granddaughter is still in there. I know it, because we saw glimpses of her during those two months, even though you would quickly steel yourself against it when we really saw you.

Everyday, you are in my thoughts, everyday I pray for you. I will still be there for all your special events, even if only in spirit. and I will be here if you ever need help finding yourself, your real self again.

I was there, and I am here. I am not going anywhere. I still love you. I speak these words, but they were spoken to me first by God when I was at my lowest in life. And today he speaks them to you my precious granddaughter. And He speaks them to all who are broken hearted. May you find hope in your darkest hours of life knowing that God was there, he is here, he’s not going anywhere and he still loves you.

Raw honesty…

Is it hormones or a lack of sleep causing me to disintegrate into a puddle of tears?

I find myself under a barrage of thoughts that come so fast and furious I can’t sort them out. Which ones are from God, which ones from the devil, which ones are mine.

There is no peace in my soul right now, only turmoil. My husband’s hugs and gentle words help. “Everything is going to be okay”, he says. And I know he is right, despite what I am feeling. even when it seems my world is falling apart, it always ends up okay. God is always good. He always sees us through the storms of life. He’s always there, whether I can see him or not.

I wish I could say that my faith is so strong in God that I have cast all my cares on him, that I am living in the peace of God that passes all understanding. But I don’t know how to do that in practical terms. What does that look like? I know how to cast a rock into the water and have it leave my hands forever. But how do you cast a care, a concern, a worry on God? How do you not let a broken relationship hurt your heart? That seems so… unfeeling and robotic. How do you not get angry when you read a newspaper article that says many police responded to a burglary, and when the burglars opened fire on them and killed one, they didn’t return fire… people have become like sheep led to the slaughter. They go without any protest. Our world has been turned upside down by the forces of evil that say good is evil and evil is good.

I am conflicted. My thought life is a jumble resembling a beaver lodge. Which thought do I pull out first to examine and deal with? Which one won’t cause the entire heap to crumble.

I want to hide in my home. Relationships are messy and painful. And with technology making it possible to keep in touch with multitudes, it is overwhelming at best. I can’t have that many friends. Even Yeshua/Jesus focused on only 12 friends. I’m sure he had more, but he focused on the twelve. Why do we need to have hundreds, just because technology makes it possible.

I just want to be still, to have peace. I know it will come. I am just in the midst of a storm right now. My God has always brought me through, and he will again. Of this I am confident.

Peace, quiet confidence in their creators love and provision for them. No worries.

FYI: this post was originally written in April of 2025. Not sure why I didn’t post it at that time. I want to post it now, because I keep track of how God moves in my life, because this is my journal, and someday a child, or grandchild reading the book it will be put into, may need to see that their Grammi struggled, that she had faith, and they can be encouraged to trust God too. And maybe, a reader out in the cyber world will be encouraged today also.

Cat tails…

Have you ever just sat and watched a cat? They are incredible creations! There are times when I swear that their tails are completely separate entities from their bodies.

Sometimes they appear to be asleep, yet their tail is active, possibly telling a story to other cats? Maybe a warning? All we as humans can do is guess. It is just an amazing thing for me to watch and ponder.

I hope you have cat tails in your life. Things that make you ponder, and ultimately smile in wonder. Here’s to an awesome day of child like wonder!

Coffee date…

I made plans to have coffee with a friend for this morning. We’re bringing our own and then finding a park to go sit and talk. I need a friend’s shoulder to cry on, to help me process everything that has been going on in my life.

My DNRS brain training has gone out the window since the kids arrived to live with us, but some of the practices have remained and helped my mind and emotions cope. I’ll get back to practicing it soon.

I noticed my hair is falling out and decided I need to get back to taking my B-complex supplement to help my body cope with the stress.

As we settle into this new normal, to which we have no manual for, no timeframe for returning to what we knew last month, old routines are being remembered, taking care of myself first is becoming a priority again. I need to fill myself up, before I can pour out to others.

May you take the time to fill your cup today, so that you can be the reason someone smiles today.

Hurting heart…

My heart is hurting. A grandchild did something unexplainable, and caused a lot of pain to the parents and grandparents in our family. There is hurt in the child’s heart too. I won’t go into details, since I print my posts at the end of each year. My days right now are filled with sadness and thoughts of what may happen after the next counseling session that child attends. My mind is continually praying for the kids, for my son and his wife, for my grandchild, for the siblings.

Will I say what I think? Will I lose that grandchild, again? Will this child be ok? Is the situation even fixable? Will my son be ok?

My stomach aches, the tears flow. I garden and cry and pray. One minute I’m confident in decisions, the next questioning. Up, down. Head spinning. Hurt, anger, confusion, bewilderment, forgiveness, love, peace, impatience, feeling distant, clarity. How can all these seemingly contradictory emotions exist at the same moment in time in my soul.

I’m taking life one day at a time. Showing grace to myself, not being rigid with routine, actually taking care of myself. There are extra schedules to keep track of, a little extra driving around of a child. Extra husband hugs remind me that Everything will be okay… and I go to bed with peace in my mind and heart.